my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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