I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
