Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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