He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
