so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
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