literally had 100 drinks last night.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
