Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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