I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
