I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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