so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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