Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
