Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
it's great music for shaving your balls
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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