well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
