sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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