I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Dick very happy bro
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