When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
