I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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