Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
