i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
