Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
