i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
