ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i barfeds in our rink
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
