They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
