70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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