if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I need to calm my uterus...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
