someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
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Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
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Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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