I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
