We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
