I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
