The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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