Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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