I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
