she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
