Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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