It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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