Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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