ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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