I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am naked and annoyed.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
