he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
