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dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
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