Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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