Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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