i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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