is your mom at the bar?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
