I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
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I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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