I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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