We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
