Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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