i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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