I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
