dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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