Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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