I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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