So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
