so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
