Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
