I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
