omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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