I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
