I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
