Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
