The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
