he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
