Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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