I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
