I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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