Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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